I did it.

 It took a while. 

It took a lot of soul searching. Even after I posted it here, it still took me another month to fully decline the full time position at a very good company, with a very good salary benefits, etc. 

Writing it here, putting it out there helped solidify the decision. I considered this my truth. This is how I really felt, even though the pangs of potentially being broke still get me, I know that I was not happy. 

I was sitting with my daughter in the yard. We were looking at the sky and the trees. She was 5 months at this point. I just looked at her, and our surroundings and realized how incredibly happy I was in that moment, with my daughter - and I didn't want anything to come between me and that feeling.  

So I jumped. It was terrifying. I spoke to the Talent Acquisition guy and my boss. They understood. I honestly hope I didn't burn any bridges but we'll leave that to fate.  For now, and at least until I'm ready to work full time again, I need to cherish this time with my family. I'll work contract/freelance jobs and work in the Arts to fill up my soul bucket. 

Decision is made. No looking back.

Saying no to money.

It feels a little bit like a deal with the devil. 

You're in a bind, you have goals, you could use the extra cash. 

If someone offered you six figures but at the cost of your mental health, would you take it?

I am in the midst of writing the letter to decline an amazing offer at a very well-known global enterprise. It isn't easy to do this. The luxuries this position could afford me and my family are constantly running through my head. Beach Houses. Trips to Morocco. You name it.  The one twist is– I know the job already. I did it freelance for 2 years. It compromised my mental and physical health on many occasions. I witnessed first-hand as my colleagues took nosedives into anti-depressants because the workload is unrealistic and the team increasingly understaffed. 

But I still haven't sent it. 

The hardest decision I've continuously made (and continuously regretted) was to take high paying jobs that were in a field I wasn't excited about, just for the money. I always found myself unhappy. Now, don't get me wrong, I've also lived the "working at a major name for peanuts" jobs and while fulfilling, it also correlates to my increase in debt. There is no right answer. Money gives you the ability to do things you like to do. For example, take a flight to Spain on a whim, pay people to help you do things you love. In my case, my vocal coach.

So what gives? 

As someone who is finally comfortable saying she's an artist, I'm very uncomfortable being broke. And for whatever reason, I've been conditioned that those two words go hand-in-hand. I recently read a book called How to Be an Artist Without Losing Your Mind, Your Shirt, Or Your Creative Compass: A Practical Guide. In it, JoAnneh Nagler gets real and in short, says that you need a day job, just not a stressful one so that you can walk away with a clear head and focus on your craft. And THAT's the issue with my predicament. I know I need a job. But the stress tied to it is far beyond what I'm willing to go through and put my family through. Is there a 6-figure job out there that is not stressful? Probably Not. But maybe they're stressful in spurts, not one long continuous mind-melting stretch of stress.

Ok. Sending.

8 years.. and the biggest "What I Do for Love" decision to date.

8 years.... EIGHT years... 

My life has taken a few turbulent rides since my last post. If I try to summarize it would be something along the lines of—

I fell in love, studied fashion, had a terrible breakup, pursued fashion, fell in love again, moved to NEW JERSEY (THIS was a big one) and started my own clothing line. I got married. I started studying jazz again.
A global pandemic hit.
I continued jazz and got a job at a very well known company.
I had a beautiful baby girl.
And now with pleasure and trepidation, I'm going to turn down the biggest job offer of my life to full time pursue music and my design clients. The highest salary and title I've ever been offered. I cried the night I was given to me — a clear sign. Tears of... knowing what I had to do... saying goodbye to security for the time being.... turning down large amounts of money... fear of being broke again...  feel I'm going to fail again at my creative pursuits..

Though today, I watched a video on a woman discussing the phrase "What would you do if you couldn't fail." and she wanted to rephrase it as "what would you do if nobody laughed at you". You know what I would do? SING. Sing everywhere. On every street corner. In the hallways, bathrooms upside-down, inside-out. 

So that's what I'm going to do . SING.