What I Do For Love

Ok I have a confession
I've been going out way too much. I've been drinking way too much. Walter scolded me the other day and told me I'm always hungover when he talks to me. and sadly, its true.
why?
I can't pin it on one thing. Its a culmination of things.
It's winter. cold. Christmas. This is the first Christmas without my family. I'm kind of in denial that the holidays exist this year. I've bought presents for my family. I won't see them til January. I'm pretty bummed about it.
Abuela recently had a stroke and it may be the last holidays she sees.
and I can't be there bc I've already committed myself to staying here and working through the holidays. Its too late to request days off so I'm screwed.
I got suspended from work. at a restaurant. repeat. How pathetic is that? repeat. I'm way too old for this and I've decided to take my career into my own hands and audition and dance as much as possible. I think I've cracked under pressure. Today I had the worst voice lesson and it was entirely bc I was hungover and unfocused. I had a great time but performing is my job and I pay for coaching. My coach was disappointed.
I'm lonely. I also have feelings for one of my guy friends. The attraction is there but otherwise he doesn't seem to reciprocate.
I've dated a few people..But in NY they don't seem to stick around.
Its hard for me to refocus on myself. I had a good run going to ballet classes 2-3 times a week. I've been auditioning. I think some part of me is unsure of career decision. it takes a lot of work and a lot of patience. It seems everyone around me is moving forward in life and I'm stuck hanging out with the recent college grads, still trying to figure it out. Don't get me wrong, my friends here are my family regardless of age. I'm having a great time. I've hung out at some great spots and met some very interesting people.
I just need to refocus. I refuse to be in this same place this time next year.
I will be with my family.