Ok I have a confession
I've been going out way too much. I've been drinking way too much. Walter scolded me the other day and told me I'm always hungover when he talks to me. and sadly, its true.
why?
I can't pin it on one thing. Its a culmination of things.
It's winter. cold. Christmas. This is the first Christmas without my family. I'm kind of in denial that the holidays exist this year. I've bought presents for my family. I won't see them til January. I'm pretty bummed about it.
Abuela recently had a stroke and it may be the last holidays she sees.
and I can't be there bc I've already committed myself to staying here and working through the holidays. Its too late to request days off so I'm screwed.
I got suspended from work. at a restaurant. repeat. How pathetic is that? repeat. I'm way too old for this and I've decided to take my career into my own hands and audition and dance as much as possible. I think I've cracked under pressure. Today I had the worst voice lesson and it was entirely bc I was hungover and unfocused. I had a great time but performing is my job and I pay for coaching. My coach was disappointed.
I'm lonely. I also have feelings for one of my guy friends. The attraction is there but otherwise he doesn't seem to reciprocate.
I've dated a few people..But in NY they don't seem to stick around.
Its hard for me to refocus on myself. I had a good run going to ballet classes 2-3 times a week. I've been auditioning. I think some part of me is unsure of career decision. it takes a lot of work and a lot of patience. It seems everyone around me is moving forward in life and I'm stuck hanging out with the recent college grads, still trying to figure it out. Don't get me wrong, my friends here are my family regardless of age. I'm having a great time. I've hung out at some great spots and met some very interesting people.
I just need to refocus. I refuse to be in this same place this time next year.
I will be with my family.

emotional statistics

It'd be wrong of me to neglect a certain aspect of my life in this blog.
Eventually, when I'm old and this website isn't advanced for the technology of the ages, I'd like to print all my blogs ever written in this portion of my life and maybe, if interesting enough, make a book.

So.

On that note.
I've been on a sort of weird affection revolution. No I'm not gay. Though, I have kissed one a Laticia Costa look-alike in Paris. If you saw her, you would have too. :)
And no, my house is not Chateau Frances.
I think I really just let go of being a tight-ass and unattainable.
If anyone knows me, my last relationship was quite a bit lacking in that department. And the relationship before that was nuts.
It's never been balanced. I almost feel like I've making up for what I felt I should have had.
Maybe it's filling a void. Maybe it's feeling lonely, needing affection, desire. Maybe it's stress, a reaction to the immense amount of pressure I've recently put on myself to succeed and just desiring a the comfort of a warm human body. or a smile. They're common. They're human.
or maybe i'm just living every day to its fullest.
maybe its creating a life full of amazing fun stories. maybe its hoping that the more I put myself out there, the possibility of finding someone to settle down with is greater.
and suddenly it's all statistics.