Ok I have a confession
I've been going out way too much. I've been drinking way too much. Walter scolded me the other day and told me I'm always hungover when he talks to me. and sadly, its true.
why?
I can't pin it on one thing. Its a culmination of things.
It's winter. cold. Christmas. This is the first Christmas without my family. I'm kind of in denial that the holidays exist this year. I've bought presents for my family. I won't see them til January. I'm pretty bummed about it.
Abuela recently had a stroke and it may be the last holidays she sees.
and I can't be there bc I've already committed myself to staying here and working through the holidays. Its too late to request days off so I'm screwed.
I got suspended from work. at a restaurant. repeat. How pathetic is that? repeat. I'm way too old for this and I've decided to take my career into my own hands and audition and dance as much as possible. I think I've cracked under pressure. Today I had the worst voice lesson and it was entirely bc I was hungover and unfocused. I had a great time but performing is my job and I pay for coaching. My coach was disappointed.
I'm lonely. I also have feelings for one of my guy friends. The attraction is there but otherwise he doesn't seem to reciprocate.
I've dated a few people..But in NY they don't seem to stick around.
Its hard for me to refocus on myself. I had a good run going to ballet classes 2-3 times a week. I've been auditioning. I think some part of me is unsure of career decision. it takes a lot of work and a lot of patience. It seems everyone around me is moving forward in life and I'm stuck hanging out with the recent college grads, still trying to figure it out. Don't get me wrong, my friends here are my family regardless of age. I'm having a great time. I've hung out at some great spots and met some very interesting people.
I just need to refocus. I refuse to be in this same place this time next year.
I will be with my family.

emotional statistics

It'd be wrong of me to neglect a certain aspect of my life in this blog.
Eventually, when I'm old and this website isn't advanced for the technology of the ages, I'd like to print all my blogs ever written in this portion of my life and maybe, if interesting enough, make a book.

So.

On that note.
I've been on a sort of weird affection revolution. No I'm not gay. Though, I have kissed one a Laticia Costa look-alike in Paris. If you saw her, you would have too. :)
And no, my house is not Chateau Frances.
I think I really just let go of being a tight-ass and unattainable.
If anyone knows me, my last relationship was quite a bit lacking in that department. And the relationship before that was nuts.
It's never been balanced. I almost feel like I've making up for what I felt I should have had.
Maybe it's filling a void. Maybe it's feeling lonely, needing affection, desire. Maybe it's stress, a reaction to the immense amount of pressure I've recently put on myself to succeed and just desiring a the comfort of a warm human body. or a smile. They're common. They're human.
or maybe i'm just living every day to its fullest.
maybe its creating a life full of amazing fun stories. maybe its hoping that the more I put myself out there, the possibility of finding someone to settle down with is greater.
and suddenly it's all statistics.

Another great song

The sun comes up I think about you the coffee cup I think about you I want you so it's like I'm losing my mind. The morning ends I think about you I talk to friends I think about you and do they know ? It's like I'm losing my mind. All afternoon doing every little chore the thought of you stays bright. Sometimes I stand in the middle of the floor not going left not going right. I dim the lights and think about you spend sleepless nights to think about you. You said you loved me or were you just being kind ? Or am I losing losing my mind ? All afternoon doing every little chore the thought of you stays bright. Sometimes I stand in the middle of the floor not going left not going right. Or am I losing my mind ? You said you loved me or were you just being kind ? Or am I losing my mind ? Or were you just being kind ? Or am I losing my mind ? Losing my mind losing my mind losing my mind.

Exit the Excess

I have had 2 weeks of madness.
I'm overworked, I've had multiple friends in town of which most I needed to lend a couch. I feel like everyday involves a glass of wine or vodka crans. I feel like I live in the hangover state.
I need a day off of life.
To just rest, organize my life, detox, take a ballet class or two. I ate meat for Thanksgiving. and steak the day after and a burger today. They were all amazing. I don't regret any of it but it stops here and tonight.
I need to start fresh. Get out of hospitality. Go somewhere where my talents are important and useful.

I pledge allegiance..

to God and myself
to be the best version of myself I can possible be.
to be selfless and kind in every situation
to have compassion
to love
to exercise my body and soul
to exercise my voice
to keep my body free of poisons (except that glass of wine)
to keep a clear mind
to remember birthdays and at least send a card
to make my family proud

can't stop, won't stop

On Facebook today, I wrote as my status 'I must say, I am happy'.
and it made me more happy that so many people responded and 'like'-ed my status.

I'm at a point where I realize that, well, I CAN have everything. I can do it. I'm surrounding myself with positive people and making positive and productive career choices. The biggest notion I need to remind myself is that I can't stop. I need to just power through the remainder of this year.

My apartment is great, my roommates are great. I love being surrounded by music theater artists. I'm one of those people that has a song in their head all day every day even when I go to bed.
So I was rearranging my room and a song popped into my head so naturally I started to sing a verse. Then out of nowhere chimes in Chris and sings the next line in the verse and I started laughing and Kristen chimed in too. It was hilarious. I felt united on some level.

I'm dancing again. I took ballet and hip hop last week. I'm absolutely enchanted. I refuse to get a gym membership so that I force myself to go everyday until I feel competitive again.
I picked up on it quickly and hopefully I'll continue to do so in the more advanced levels.

The only thing raining on my parade a little bit is work. Its drama all over again.
 The only thing I can depend on is how un-dependable it is. I guess its the nature of the game..

No more excuses

I had minor anxiety yesterday bc I realize, now that I'm in Queens, with a super low cost to live, I have no excuses anymore.
I'm free from the ever so encompassing Manhattan rent I used to pay (and a car payment for a car that I never used). I can never 'not afford' a class, a voice lesson, or an acting class. My schedule is even more flexible.
With this freedom came anxiety. Where do I start? What do I do? I need a serious plan. Goals. short-term. long term. This is my year. It'll happen. 2010 I was in 2 musicals and 3 television shows. Seems like an ok start considering its hard to be in more than say 5 shows a year bc of rehearsal times and at least a month run, etc... but I feel like I'm able to do more in film at least.
There are so many artists out there that live day by day, making their rent money at a restaurant and partying at night. I can't be that person.
I am definitely a social person but I can't let anything get in the way of what I am here to do.

Wish me luck.
:)

Dear Blog: I'm sorry I've neglected you.

If somebody didn't speak to me for two weeks, I'd be pissed.
forgive me.

I'm sitting here, eating my first taste of Quinoa! Pescetarianism still in full effect :) My, how long has it been? I'll have to read my previous blog to see what date I declared. I did cheat and eat a meatball at my Cast party, I'm obsessed with meatballs. It burned my stomach. or it could have been the jack and diets. meh.



(note: this draft was saved and continued on November 8th, today)


and now I sit in my new living room. In Astoria Queens. I have two roommates, Kristen and Chris. I met both of them in the West Side story production I was cast in in Miami. Kristen is a cute and bubbly 23 year old and Chris is the resident Mr.fabulous who loves anything Alice and wonderland or animated for that matter. Its been awesome getting to know them and luckily we have more or less easy-going personalities and are considerate of each other.

This is a huge change for me. In fact, lets start at the beginning.
October. Month of Mikado, Moving, and reindeer horns.

The Mikado was an absolutely wonderful experience. I became close with 2 girls in particular, Christina and Julia. They are token hipster Brooklynites. Christina is so sweet and adorable. Julia is wonderfully nutty and both have amazing voices. I went through a bit of withdrawal but I was so nuts when it ended with the potential move and working that I now miss them tons!

The Reindeer Horns:
I tend to be the go-to girl for my friends. Need a yoga buddy- call Frances! Need extra people to help work an event? Call Frances!
So when  my friend Alex's roommate needed an extra hand swarovski-crystalizing reindeer horns for Saks' christmas decor I immediately signed up especially since they paid nicely. However, I became over- ambitious thinking I could do one horn a day amidst apt searching and a show. The due date was my moving date. I'm crazy. I was only able to do 4 horns but let me tell you, the day I turned in the horns I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders.
I was free. October was over. Now back to a somewhat normal life. My plan is to work my booty off through January then visit my family for 2 weeks.

The bigger question:
How the hell did I get to Astoria?
Well the last post let you know that my mgmt company screwed me over on transferring to another apt. Kristen moved in two weeks later and Chris joined us on the apt search.
It was two weeks of hell. We met with brokers, some scam artists, and looked at every single 3 bedroom possible. We were happy with two apartments, one in Astoria and another in Wash Heights. The Washington heights apt was much prettier  but the commute would be harder and Astoria is close midtown and the Eastside where we all hang out.
If there is anything I've learned from this experience, it's patience and being considerate of others. There are moments where I do feel like the mom. I've been here much longer then they have and pretty much know what to do. I definitely inadvertently became the house captain, making appts with the cable guys, the landlord, the repair man, etc....not so much fun.

We have very different styles. I'm more classic and sophisticated, Kristen is girly and pink everywhere, Chris likes anything cartoon and crazy colors. Thankfully I had 80% of the furniture  which set the tone for the apt otherwise it would have been a shimsham and anyone who knows me knows how picky I am about interior design. OK I know. I'm a bit of a control freak but I feel like I've been soooooo patient. I'm not a game player and this apt has every Rockband and Wii that exists. and it's ok! Change is good. change is good.

I will say this:
I AM SO HAPPY HERE!!!
I feel so much more relaxed. I don't feel the pressure of the city's rent and still have the same access I did before.
Astoria is wonderful. It's full of actors, families, massive apartments, restaurants, bars, BAKERIES, fruit markets, fish markets, awesome pizza joints, etc.
It's not gentrified so most things are mom & pop shops, except there is a Gap and a couple banks and a gym.

and my room is HUGE!
I am having a little difficulty deciding what to do with so much space. I want to keep it very simple. I have no need for a dresser bc my closet is about 5'x10'. I want a chaise lounge or a 'fainting sofa'. They're very expensive so its definitely a splurge if I don't find one at the flea markets.
My concept is to have an all white room with varying white/beige textures and canvased artwork on the walls. No frames. just raw and simple. Bed in one corner and lounge in the other. I also have a large dramatic mirror which is framed in dark wood that doesn't exactly go with the concept but its so beautiful that I have to put it somewhere.
sigh.

This year is going to be a good one. I can feel it. :)

Here we go again........

I have the uncanny ability to be screwed over by my landlords.

My first sublet, the guy spent my deposit and had nothing to give me when I moved out. I threatened a lawsuit and he arranged a payment plan with me in order to pay me back- it took 6 months....

the next apt I moved into was with a co-worker. 4 months into it we received about 30 eviction notices. I'm not exaggerating at all. The mail man was pissed bc he had to scan every single one of them with our signatures. Apparently the management company was selling the property and ordered us out. My coworker told our other roommate that she was getting a lawyer and that he could stay, she also noted 'don't tell Fran'.
Not cool. I had never done anything to her ever.

And now,
I've been waiting to move into a 2br apts in our building that is being renovated. I was originally told it was going to be $1500-1750.
September 29th, I'm told the rent is going to be $2000+.
The last day of the month? really? Why on earth would I stick around for an apt that I am not interested in anymore?
Not only that I have a roommate that was supposed to move in with me and she's screwed too...

ugh.

OBSESSED

I love love love this song. It's exactly how I feel when I'm in Love.  When you can't help smiling at the person because you're so happy.

HARVEST MOON, NEIL YOUNG (on the EAT, PRAY, LOVE Soundtrack)

Come a little bit closer,

hear what I have to say,

just like children sleeping,

we could dream this night away

but there's a full moon risin,

lets go dancin in the light

we know where the music's playin

lets go out and feel the night

because I'm still in love with you,

i wanna see you dance again,

because I'm still in love with you

on this harvest moon

when we were strangers

I watched you from afar,

when we were lovers,

I loved you with all my heart

but now it's getting late, 

and the moon is climbing high

I want to celebrate

the light shining in your eye

because I'm still in love with you,

i wanna see you dance again,

because I'm still in love with you

on this harvest moon

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2txt_neil-young-harvest-moon_music

Dear Blog: meet your namesake

I wanted to start this blog to try document the daily good stuff and crap that I went through to get to my ultimate happy place.

But I couldn't think of a freaking name for the longest time. An example I thought of sugarsaltpepper, an ode to an actors journey... but surprisingly, it was taken. 'for the love of' was also taken. I wanted a play on 'love' because that is ultimately what I preach to everyone. You have to do what you love to be fulfilled. stil no luck with the name.

Then, on the flight to Tampa for Aeden and Sophia's baptism I was listening to the Broadway channel on the radio (of course) and 'What I did for love' came on. This song is from Chorus line, one of the shows I worked on in Miami. Eureka!

I switched the tense of the phrase because it's my present state, not past. When I look back in 40 years hopefully it'll be something wonderful to look back on, and hopefully it'll have all paid off.

I'm a total Gleek.
And this morning I watched the season premiere on Hulu.com
and it made me cry. again.  as Glee always does bc I'm a nut.
It's a beautiful song.

Here's the link and fast forward to around the 40 minute mark...

http://www.hulu.com/stand_alone/647343a936faf0d7d937087ceb904542?lcname=ESMABi1pc1RyYWlsZXJTZWxlY3RvclZpZGVvAgYVaW5QbGF5bGlzdAIGFXBvcG91dFRpbWUFQnKzm5A3MAAGIWFkU2VsZWN0b3JPcHRpb24GAQYjcGxheWxpc3RBZFVuaXRJZHMJAwEEgZBdBhNjb250ZW50SUQEi/i77wYtc2VsZWN0b3JWaWRlb0NvbXBsZXRlZAIGFXVzZXJQbGFuSUQE/////wYXcG9wb3V0U3RhcnQFQO+gn/////8GHWRlZmF1bHRRdWFsaXR5BAIGIXNpdGVMb2NhdGlvblBhdGgBBhF1c2VyTmFtZQYBBh9kZWZhdWx0TGFuZ3VhZ2UGCW5vbmUGJ2RlZmF1bHRDYXB0aW9uU3R5bGUGAzEGF2N1cnJlbnRTbG90BP////8GFWN1cnJlbnRQb2QEAQYNdXNlcklEBIS0r9g=&continuous_play_mode=4&continuous_play_sort=#in-playlist

GOSSIP!!!

These past couple weeks have been interesting. Lots of highs and lows. 

Sometimes it seems when my personal life goes down, my career goes up and vice versa.

On that note:

I had two calls for film stuff this week!

I'll be doing another modeling gig for Good Day New York Wednesday Morning on Fox!

AND

The casting director for Gossip Girl's background called me and I'll be on set all day long on Monday!!!!!!! Gossip Girl!!!!!!!!!

sorry to lead you on by the title..... :)

Great Balls of Fire!

I may complain endlessly about the hospitality industry. But last night was one of those nights that I thanked God for being exactly where I am.

I work at BBKing Blues club on the weekends. We have headliners and newbies coming through our stage and every once in a while a legend will pass through. Etta James, Al Green and so on...

Last  night, Jerry Lee Lewis performed.
Jerry Lee Lewis. He was amazing. The man could barely walk but the way he tore apart that piano with his boney old man hands was incredible.
He sang all his classics and the room was roaring with 'Great balls of fire'.
I had a moment where I just watched him in awe. This man doesn't need to perform. But it looks like he'll do it to the day he dies.  You could tell he fed off the audience. His smile was intoxicating.
I would totally have had a crush on him in the 50's. :)

Favorite Quote from Eat Pray Love

"If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."


For more visit this site:
http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/11679.Elizabeth_Gilbert

What a freakin week!!

Fall is here technically.
I'm tired all the time. I started the week finishing my workweek of two latenight shifts(working til 5am) and a double shift Monday starting at noon and not ending til 3am Tuesday. I blamed the weather change but in retrospect, that's probably why I'm so tired. I was fortunate enough to have the rest of he week off until Thursday. I was unfortunate enough to get sent home Thursday and Saturday bc it was so dead. Thank god last week was great monetarily.

Anyway, enough of that stuff- let's get to the fun stuff!!!!

Wednesday night I hung out with my friend Jenn and my new best gay friend Evan. We saw the Beautiful girls concert in my old neighborhood Williamsburg, drank the local beers and the local whisky. Don't remember eating the pizza that was left on my couch. LOL

Thursday, Walter invited me to a screening of his bosses short film. It was good and nice hanging out with industry people. At the same time you realize who these people are all just artists and creatives who just want to make it- real people and just bc they are on a television it all seems so glamorous. But they were completely normal and cool. The lead actor even smelled like the hippies that used to hang out at my friends house.
Normal. Except Walters boss of course who have thier own fortunate situation and who when I was introduced to the power couple they just stared at me. It was a good stare. Like, oh so this is who Walter dated. Hmmm... I made the extra effort to look supercute so at least I made a good impression for him. and myself hopefully.
We went to my favorite dinner spot in the area.the spotted pig. I won't even begin to rave about their brown butter sage gnudi. Amazing but they changed the recipe to have pesto. still good but the other was better.
The night turned sour and I went home.

Friday was a new day!
I booked a design gig with my friend. Worked on it all day.
Participated in Fashion night out which is a huge citywide event that stores stay open until late and host with wine and champagne. And dancing. My partner in fashion crime, Monica, and I strolled around SoHo saw the Marc Jacobs accessories truck, bought some Gardenia scented body oil at Bloomies and savored the Apple Cosmo martinis at Foley &  Corrina. My friend manages that boutique and introduced me to Chief marketing manager who will hopefully let me intern and show him my design chops.

Saturday was a double shift in which I was sent home from both restaurants bc it was so slow.
Let's just say I'm really hoping the designs for my friend Bryan will take off and he'll hold onto me through elections.
Between the two shifts I visited my friend Carina that will be leaving back home to Brazil. She is such a beautiful person with a beautiful heart and I wish her the very best doing Broadway for Brazil. That's the one downside about NY- you meet great people then they leave. She is one of those people who touch the hearts of everyone she meets and you know she has the brightest of futures ahead of her.

And now- football season is on is way.
I say goodbye to my fanatic friends around the country for the couple months, and join those here in my little town of Manhattan.
Go Jets, Tampa and Jags!

ok....real?

I'm not into porn at all, I always just found it a waste of time. But of course thats just me. I was in my improv class and youPorn was thrown out and I was the only person to say 'whats Uporn?!?' thinking it was some sort of weird website, and of  course, later I was condescendingly explained to, it's a youtube sort of site where people , you know, 'porn' and whatnot. (my response ' wow, sorry i'm not a freak!' ) I still haven't gone. I'm still not interested. But what I have stumbled upon, 15 years so late it seems, is REAL SEX on HBO. wow. so interesting. and not in the turn me on kind of way-not that I'd ever mention that anyway but, Literally, Information. facts, here and there. The crazy part is I remember I heard about this stuff when I was much younger and of course ignored it being the child that I was but now I'm completely like, wow, that's so interesting that kamasutra classes exist and how freaking wierd would it be to attend on of those with 15 couples getting it on, making all sorts of noises around you. mmmm no. I don't think I'd ever be comfortable with that. but i might admire those who are free enough to do so.... enjoy!

Happy Birthday!!!

So I went to church today to get a little Jesus in my life and lo' and behold- It's the Virgin Mary's birthday. I'm guessing she'd be around 2057 years old if she was 14 when she bore Christ and if the whole 'b.c' thing holds true.
We sang Happy Birthday at the end and everything. It was so nice.
It kind of reminds you that these people actually existed and they aren't just spiritual beings we hope are floating around us and watching us.

After church I spoke to my dear cousin Laura and went for a 4 mile walk around Central Park. It was glorious.
I received some news from a friend of mine that I wasn't too happy about but I don't want to let it ruin my day.

Still no word from one of my opportunities.
and I already put in my two weeks at MaxBrenner. I don't plan on retracting my notice, I don't want to do hospitality full time anymore. I can't. It drains me. Time to get crackin to find something else.


xo
f

I'm at a standstill right now and its driving me crazy. I'm making moves to change my life and I have no answers. My thoughts will not shut off. I want to work in fashion. I'm reconsidering acting. Its Saturday afternoon, I have the entire day off to myself. I didn't play the soundtrack from 'An Education' which has become my Saturday morning ritual. My ex is trying to get back in my life(?) My apt won't be ready til mid-october. Do I have to pay for the 2 weeks time after my lease is up? How much is this going to cost me? Will I have a roommate and can I really do this if a roommate bails? Is there a reason why my life is what it is? When will I get to the point where I want to be? I can imagine it but its not my face I see for some reason. I'm 28, feel like I just graduated and starting over. I've been feeling like this for a year and a half and I'm still at the same place where I started, other than further in debt than then. 

breathe.

a guy at work tattooed that to his wrist. I'm  contemplating tattooing 'relax' on my wrist.

I'm glad I sold my car. I'm glad I have a great family. I'm glad I have good friends. I'm glad I have exciting stuff to do next week.

Wednesday:concert, Thursday: film screening, Friday: Fashion night out, Saturday work and Sunday work. 

I want to take the entire month of January off to go home and sew clothes with my mom. I want to spend time with my adorable nieces and nephews. I want my husband to appear sooner than later.

I've pressed play on the itunes three times and it still hasn't played. AH

the intro to 'sunday kind of love' always relaxes me. Its nostalgic and takes me to another era.

A sunday kind of Love youtube song

and now I'm singing. 

I think thats why I love to sing. It's a form of release when you really don't know the right words to say. and I love a good piano.

and now I feel much much better.

'A sunday kind of love' video

Just stop thinking for 2 more weeks...

Mercury is kn retrograde.

The planet Mercury rules thinking and perception and all types of communication. When Mercury goes retrograde it gives rise to personal misunderstandings. There would be delays, flaws and hitches in all communication related areas like transportation,trade,etc. Astrologers advise not to make any important decisions while Mercury is retrograde, since it is likely that such decisions will be marred by misinformation, poor communication and careless thinking.

ok I'm behind

Sorry guys. The past couple weeks have been a little intense but not enough to put out there on the blogosphere. sorry again.

on another note:

I'll be honest I'm a little bored with life. Bored with rehearsal and feeling completely and utterly unproductive.

But things have changed and are looking up because I've pursued a couple opportunities that can change my outlook and hopefully at least 20 hours a week of my life.

I won't elaborate bc supposedly the more you talk about something the less positive energy goes into it actually happen. 

so wish me luck and positive vibes!

Another day, another lack of dollar

Thank God I pre-paid my lasts month's rent bc this month has been very tight. Even my bottle service gig, where I'm writing from now, is so slow. I can't wait to substitute this income with something legit and productive.
I've been on a rampage to find something new, preferably in fashion. That's the design form I want to tap into next. I'm always interested in the industry an since I left Ocean Drive I feel so out of the loop.
Something is bound to happen. something soon.

that explains it

The New Yorker magazine writes about a study on a 'new' developmental stage called 'Emerging Adulthood'

\WHAT IS IT ABOUT 20-SOMETHINGS?

TELEVISION DEBUT!!

So I made my national television debut today. yay!

A friend of mine from BBkings happened to need some models for a segment (the magazine happened to be a sister magazine of the one that laid me off)
I enthusiastically accept and call time is 8am.
I later find out I'm to do the shoot with my buddies Alex and Maranda which calms my nerves a lot.

I go straight into hair and makeup. While sitting in the hair chair, I get a glimpse of Martha Stewart who is a guest on the TODAY show that morning. I think it's funny when the 'competitors' are guests on each other's shows.

I find out I'm the first look of the lineup(Sweet!) Hair is a low chignon and makeup is glam with red lips. Not too far off from my average going out style. LOL
I then try on the shoes. They're 2 sizes too big. I'm not kidding. For whatever reason they couldn't get size 7 shoes. I wore them anyway with hoped they wouldn't notice. She mentioned my 'look' is very Audrey Hepburn with the cashmere black turtleneck, black cropped pants and a stylish trench and ballet flats. Funny. This is my favorite look. "Audrey" was my fashion icon.

Then came the waiting game. We weren't allowed to sit once dressed. Understandable but annoying. Everyone looked gorgeous. The producers and the camera talent were hilarious and made us laugh until the camera's were rolling. My heart was beating super fast when they called 'places' and did the countdown but I just went out there and did it. It's so much more private, no audience or anything, just the people around you filming. I can totally do that. I think my nerves are what kill my theater auditions.
Film I can do.
Bring it.

Update:

I should know better than order fish at a diner.
Instead of fish filet, I had a tomato and tartar sauce sandwich. God help me.

Sniffle, snort, snot

Hospitality here is another world. Its not like any other place because 90% of the servers/bartenders are writers, actors, dancers, models or people just trying to figure out what they are doing here in NY. The other 10% are waiters-for-life. Of those 90% I'd say about 30% are the go-getters, 40% are cruisers, and the other 20% may end up waiters for life. In all honesty, I teeter between the go-getters and the cruisers. I have to keep my discipline in check all the time. There is always more I can do to better my chances of being successful. Its a full-time job and takes up every moment of your free time. My personality/social life battle this because frankly, I don't like working every minute of the day. I don't know anybody who does. But there are many times, and hopefully more, that the work pays off.

My friend and fellow co-worker Ryan auditioned for Imaginarium off-Broadway. The director liked him but didn't give him a role  but asked him to rehearse anyway. So countless unpaid rehearsals later (the rest of the cast was paid) Ryan had another opportunity, unpaid, where he would at least perform in a lead. In the middle of a night shift, waiting on a bunch of tables, he got a call from the director that wanted to cast him in the show. Off- Broadway. That is huge. Nowadays, big business had taken over a large chunk of Broadway so many amazing shows are 'Off'. So Ryan starts crying and doesn't stop. His tables are worried and ask him if he's ok. Of course Ryan has to explain, 'I just booked an off-Broadway show!! (sniffle, snort snot, etc)' and the guests are saying 'Great! aren't you happy?!?'.. 'Yes I'm super happy (sniffle snort snot)'... 'Does this mean you can quit your waiter gig?!'.... 'Nooooo it doesn't pay that much!' which then made him cry even more.
LOL
Here's to Ryan and for many more!

some of my favorite lyrics from Next to Normal 'Hey 3'

HENRY
Hey

NATALIE
Hey


HENRY
You look like a star
A vision in blue


NATALIE
Oh I do?


HENRY
And you are
Hey, you came


NATALIE
Well I said that I might


HENRY
I thought we were through
Me and you


NATALIE
Not tonight


HENRY
Will you mom be ok?


NATALIE
Well she might be some day.


HENRY
But for now it's all fine?


NATALIE
She's still on my mind.


HENRY
Can you leave it behind?


NATALIE
Hey, hey


HENRY
Stay, let's see this thing through


NATALIE
Am I crazy?
I might end up crazy


HENRY
I'll be here for you


NATALIE
You say that right here
But then give it a year
Or 10 years or a life
And I could end up your wife
Sitting staring at walls
Throwing shit down the stairs
Freaking out at the store
Running nude down the street
Bleeding out in the bath


HENRY
Perfect for you
I will be perfect for you
So you could go crazy
Or I could go crazy, it's true
Sometimes life isn't sane
But crazy I know I can do
Cause crazy is perfect
And fucked up is perfect
So I will be perfect


NATALIE
Perfect


BOTH
Perfect for you

rant and rave

Its hard enough, as it is, to perform in front of anyone.
I now realize how important it is to have someone that is 100% supportive of you. Its really tough for anyone - me especially -  to get up in front of people and perform. You're so so vulnerable. And when training you are ESPECIALLY vulnerable. I am my own worst critic. I've hid behind my own facade all my life and kept myself quiet and cool. I didn't fully start training until a few years ago, decades behind the pros. I know I'm not perfect yet. I can't express how important it is, and how excited I am, to find a person that will make me feel amazing even when I'm not, will hold my hand and tell me I did great even if it wasn't my best performance. Who I can sing to and be completely silly in front of because not only do I love being silly, they'll love it too.

Sooooooooooooooo...

I didn't want to announce this until I got final confirmation and it's now confirmed!!!
I'm going to be modeling on the TODAY show!! I'll be joining my friends Alex and Maranda modeling
I'm not sure what though but hey- whatever, I'll model hair pieces if they want me to! LOL

Song in my head tonight....

Baby Can I hold you
Tracy Chapman



Sorry
Is all that you can't say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like sorry like sorry

Forgive me
Is all that you can't say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like forgive me forgive me

But you can say baby
Baby can I hold you tonight
Maybe if I told you the right words
At the right time you'd be mine

I love you
Is all that you can't say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like I love you I love you


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjRo_CHSdt0

UPDATE

3. Pescetarianism in full force. I accidentally ate some pork off some nachos though,  but otherwise, great! I feel good too!

2. Wallet Stolen

DECLARATION

I'm going Pescetarian!

there.
i said it.
Now i have to.
:)

I'm very excited about this new decision. For those of you who don't know wtf that is, it's vegetarian who eats fish. It'll be hard and quite the challenge bc I loooove me some steak but I am going to allow myself one filet mignon a month.

How did I come to this decision, you say?
Well, lots of my friends have a lifestyle that are like this or worse. Frankly, I love burgers and meats but I don't feel great after I eat them. I've looked more in depth into this and your body isn't necessarily* made to break down meat yada yada yada... so that and I want to be overall more healthier and feel better.

It's my first day on the challenge and...
breakfast: espresso with milk, a cup of spicy almonds. (I'm terrible with breakfast)
lunch: mini veggie pizza from Jamba juice with a fruit smoothie,
snack: string cheese and an iced latte
dinner: pesto pasta, cheddar slices and tuscan crackers
dessert: Haribo gummies mini pack.

My meals weren't planned at all. I get hungry and choose what I feel is right at the time.
Any tips or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
I want to last as long as possible!

to movin on up

Some of you have reached out to me I assume over the past few blogs and I just want to say thank you. It  means a lot to me. I didn't even know half of you read my blogs. teehee :)
I also want to say that, yes, bc I don't know who reads, i tend to be more honest and a lot of times the entries are thoughts in passing or me ranting about feelings.
I think we all have bad weeks, or bad months, but life is a series of ups and downs.
and I'm bound to go up damnit, :)




Busco-me lyrics by Bebe

Soy una montaña rusa que sube que baja
que rie que calla confusa me dejo de llevá
por lo que los dias me quieran mostrar


i'm on a rollercoaster that goes up and down
that laughs and silences confused I let myself go
with the days wherever they take me

fantastic book design

the rings of the trees looks like sound waves vibrating. Natalie Olsen, Kisscut Design

excerpt from an email

'ok i'm at a weird point right now. I can't afford to live in my awesome apartment, where I've called home for a year, my beautiful little corner in this crazy city that helps me unwind, lets me cry and gets all the madness out of my head. I think I'm a little depressed about it bc I don't know where I'll be. I can't stand not having answers. It's unsettling.

Lately I've felt like throwing in the towel but I know I can't. Lately I've felt like going back to school and getting a masters in fashion. But I can't. Not if I want to pursue my dreams. I feel like this acting pursuit is such a slow process and I have the need to be productive all the time. All I do is read right now and though it fills my mind and educates me on playwrights and screenplays I need more than this. I can submit to all the roles I want but it's like my fellow actor friend says 'i didn't choose this industry, it chose me' and on a deeper note 'it chooses you', like a waiting game.

and I am so impatient.'

maybe i need more inspiration.

kate winslet should put out another deep flick.

bored and impeccably dressed.

bored tired restless lonely bored unmotivated
i'm in one of those moods where commercials reaaaally annoy me.
i don't watch much television to begin with.
i have a migraine.
i need a haircut. i need my foot to heal so i can start running again.
i want to turn vegetarian, or pescetarian so i can lose weight.
i need a pedicure. i want to visit my family once a month.
i'm so used to being occupied every minute of the day that when i'm not i feel antsy.

i want to kiss someone. i'd love brownies right now. i need to act. asap.
i need to jump in. i secretly love it when glasses break at work.
i love the cold feeling of the steel of an american express blackcard on my cheeks.
i'm scared to have kids. i'm scared someone will hurt them and i won't be able to protect them.
i close my eyes and imagine myself in ten years singing my head off on stage.
i close my eyes and imagine myself in ten years impeccably dressed.
in twenty years, impeccably dressed. my children will be beautiful and educated. my husband amazing.
in thirty years, still impeccably dressed. extended family in tow.
Forty years, still in love with my husband. and impeccably dressed.

Peace in the Northeast

I sent a peace offering to my x after our last argument.
A PEACE offering, not a 'lets continue to hash out all of our frustrations' offering.
Solely for the purpose of saying, 'hey- lets be quiet for a while and hope to have a friendship in the future.'
and yes I used the word Quiet in the note.
and he didn't get it.
I accepted his thank you but had to dodge and ignore his attempts at engaging in what would have ultimately ended in another argument.

if you know me, it wasn't easy.

100 dollar bills Ya'll!

So I'm selling my car from 1000 miles away. The grandma and her grandson show up with 46 $100 dollar bills. wtf. I told them I can only accept a cashier's check. So my brother escorts them to Wachovia, the money is deposited and they were all good bills. Woohoo!
 It's going to take up to ten days  to get the title put in their name and I'm freaking out that something is going to happen. I told them they should insure the car in their name in the meantime and they shouldn't be driving it until then. They want to wait til Monday to get the insurance, etc...
I'm still freaking out.
The grandson wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer and I'm afraid he's going to rob a bank or something.

Stinky towel, NY is for me.

As a creative person pursuing acting, with a mother and family that are dying for me to come home or get a real job, it becomes very hard to handle at times. I would love to come home. I would love to have a solid job with benefits and a retirement plan. I would love to live a much easier lifestyle. I would love to see my family all the time and partake in every family vacation to different destinations.
But I can't. Not yet.  I'm not done with NY and I know its not done with me. This is the career I've chosen. It's one where I'm constantly working and in the end it pays off. You get out of it what you put in and frankly, the first year of it you don't have a lot to put in because you're just trying to figure it all out. NY, the industry, all of it. I've invested so much in a year and a half and made huge strides regardless of whether I have or haven't booked jobs yet. I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I'm ready to put all of myself into this.

I LOVE Patri and Sebastian visits

My beautiful sister and mother with Sebastian giving her some love

Sebastian looking for more Cheerios lol

Dyslexic but a nice guy....

Something weird is going on today.
I have a great morning with my sister and Sebastian, ordering in breakfast and watching movies. I head to my voice lesson, miss my stop, hop a cab, pay with card, and arrive flustered at my lesson. I start crying when I get there(more on that in another post) yet according to Will I had one of the best lessons to date vocally. (yay!)
I leave the studio without my phone and Will finds me to return it. I have a message from a lady from my Acting studio telling me that a man found my wallet in the cab and he will leave it at his concierge at 355 Fifth ave. I'm sooo thankful he is a nice guy and returned it. BUT. but but but, 355 5th Ave doesn't exist. I'm not kidding. It really doesn't exist and I called the receptionist 5 times to make sure it was right and asking for a phone number he, of course, did not leave. Two hours pass and I decide to start canvassing the area and go into every single establishment that had a security and concierge. 2.5 hours later I walk into 366 5th ave and the security had it in an envelope. In the wallet there was a note that said "I found your Wallet in a cab, please do something nice for someone today". ;)
is this some form of half karma? Getting my wallet back and knowing a NYer has a heart? but having to run  around to the point of losing all hope because nobody, and I mean nobody, security guards, concierges, tour guides, cabs,nobody knew where this place was, to get it back? I really had to work for the good deed.
Nonetheless, my bitching aside, I am truly grateful the dyslexic man had a heart and didn't steal my wallet.

PARTY IN UNION

I leave work and enter the breakdance circle, tap dancing. :)

Just kidding

The guy in the red was breakdancing. I like the position I caught him in.

this song always puts things into perspective... I recommend reading it.

ELLA
By Bebe (translation below)

Ella esta cansado, de tirar la toalla
va quitando poco a poco telarañas
No ha dormido esta noche, pero no esta cansada
No mirado ningun espejo, pero se siente "toa" guapa

Hoy, ella se ha puesto color en las pestañas
Hoy le gusta su sonrisa, no se siente una extraña
Hoy sueña lo que quiere sin preocuparse por nada
Hoy es una mujer que se da cuenta de su alma

Hoy vas a descubrir que el mundo es solo para ti
que nadie puede hacerte daño, nadie puede hacerte daño
Hoy vas a comprender que el miedo se puede romper con un
solo portazo
Hoy vas a hacer reir porque tus ojos de han cansado de ser llanto, de
ser llanto
Hoy vas a conseguir reirte hasta de ti y ver que lo has logrado

Hoy vas a ser la mujer que te de la gana de ser
Hoy te vas a querer como nadie te ha sabido querer
Hoy vas a mirar pa'lante que pa' atras ya te dolio bastante
Una mujer valiente, una mujer sonriente mira como pasa

Hoy  has nacido la mujer perfecta que esperaba na roto sin pudores
las reglas marcadas
Hoy has calzado tacones para hacer sonar sus pasos
Hoy sabe que su vida nunca mas sera un fracaso

Hoy vas a descubrir que el mundo es solo para ti
que nadie puede hacerte daño, nadie puede hacerte daño
Hoy vas a conquistar el cielo sin mirar lo alto que queda del suelo
Hoy vas a ser feliz aunque el invierno sea frio y sea largo, y sea largo
Hoy vas a conseguir reirte hasta de ti y ver que lo has logrado

Hoy vas a descubrir que el mundo es solo para ti
que nadie puede hacerte daño, nadie puede hacerte daño
Hoy vas a dcomprender que el miedo se puede romper con un solo
portazo
Hoy vas a hacer reir porque tus ojos se han cansado de ser llanto, de
ser llanto
Hoy vas a conseguir reirte hasta de ti y ver que lo has logrado



ENGLISH TRANSLATION

She is tired of throwing in the towel
She gradually removes cobwebs
Se has not slept tonight, but she's not tired
She did not look any mirror, but feels all beautiful
 
Today, she has color on her lashes
Today she likes her smile, she doesn't feel like a stranger
Today she dreams what she wants without worrying about anything.
Today she is a woman who realizes her soul
 
Today you will discover that the world is just for you  
nobody can hurt you, no nobody can hurt you
Today you will understand that fear can be broken with a just bang
Today you will make yourself  laugh because your  eyes are tired of crying, of crying
Today you'll laugh until you get to see , you deserve it/

Today you will be the woman you desire to be the
Today you're going to love like no one has known love  
Today you'll look forward no backward , it already hurt you enough
A brave woman, a smiling woman look at how it happens
 
Today women the perfect woman was born who has broken all the rules
Today she reached for her heels, to make the sound of every step
Today she knows that his life will never be a failure
 
Today you will discover that the world is just for you
no one can hurt you, none can hurt
Today you are going to conquer the sky without looking at how low the ground is
Today you will be happy even if the winter is cold and is long, and its long
Today you'll laugh until you get to see that you have made and deserve

Today you will discover that the world is just for you
nobody can hurt you, no nobody can hurt you
Today you'll understand the fear can be broken with a single bang
Today you will make you laugh because your eyes are tired of crying, of crying
Today you'll laugh and you'll see what you have made, you deserve it

Lyrics

'...Yo soy una montaña rusa que sube que baja
que rie que calla confusa me dejo de llevá llevá
por lo que los dias me quieran mostrar
Soy una montaña rusa que sube que baja...'

'I'm a roller coaster that goes up and down
that laughs and silences, confused I let the days
take me, whatever they will show me..'

hah

I think its funny when people try to use large words and don't know what they really mean. Then try to make you look like and idiot but really it's them.
Just sayin.

LET THE SUN SHINE

I'm finally getting a chance to sit down at my computer for the week and I realize its been 4 days since my last post. This is unacceptable. Though I've been crazy, life isn't always that eventful.

I've learned quite a few things about myself this week one of which may be valuable to others...


Avoid the Light Dimmer
My friend and I are somewhat freshly out of longterm relationships. somewhat. While having met for drinks and doing some major catching up she paid me a very nice compliment and clued me into some valuable insight.

There are certain people who walk into a room and light it up. It can be any room. People are naturally drawn to them regardless of the situation. She said I was one of these people. Thank you, I said.
Then there are people who contribute to the light when around these people and there are those who don't. Those people that don't contribute, don't necessarily not care, but they feel an unnecessary threat. The threat being unnecessary bc the 'light' doesn't even realize they are competing for anything. They are just existing like any other person. So the light dimmers can't help but turn it down some.  For whatever subconscious reason it is. Kind of like raining on your parade. They'll shoot an underhanded compliment when you're feeling good.
Light dimmers.
They don't hinder you but they don't support you either.

and this one sums up my Monday morning....

I opened my eyes and this is what I saw.
I love my apartment.

Sidenote:
what does it mean when you start sleeping in entirely different angles?
I've literally woken up with my feet at the headboard lately.

This picture pretty much sums up my Friday

I left one shoe at home and had to wear sandals with socks for my double shift at work.
Like the Germans do. hah.

For some reason I was in the best mood all day.

Is it a Scotty?

I love Pret a Manger
We didn't have anything like this in Florida.
Their food is amazing and quick, all-natural and tasty.
But my favorite, favorite favorite part is stopping by one and seeing their photofoodart.
That's right, they make fun artwork out of their very own ingredients and it gets pretty creative.

I'll slowly post more and more of these fun pics.

www.pretamanger.com

Must kill the cat.

I think its safe to say I'm  addicted to men.
I had a great time in college and still no addictions. I'm not a 'huge fan of ' anything really.
Growing up I didn't have NKOTB posters plastered everywhere. I just wasn't my thing. I was constantly rearranging my furniture, though I did have an entire wall covered with pictures of me and my friends for years.
Even with cigarettes, I loved smoking but the day I decided to quit was the day my love affair ended. Although, I may indulge in one after I've had 5 drinks too many. :)

So back to men.
I have an uncanny ability to bounce back after a relationship. Its not that I'm over the ex but if you aren't for me then you aren't for me and I'm pretty good at finding distractions.

I think it had to do with that one die-hard relationship. That one lasted years beyond the breakup and became so unhealthy. That relationship made me realize that I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't want to settle and I don't want to put up with suffering.

I've had a few boyfriends since then.
I can't say its been easy. Even now I'm rebounding from who I thought was 'the one' or 'the one thats not for me'.
There has been light communication and I find myself going into that obsessive state of mind, checking emails every 10 minutes hoping to find a little glimmer of an 'I miss you' somewhere..
and I don't like it. The vulnerability sucks.

Clean cut is the way to go
But why is it so hard?

I can't help but be curious.

chauvinism Improv style

I have one of the funnest Improv classes. Its 101 beginner.
For the first time since we started class we had an all girl group get up there- unintentionally.

So of course we ask for a suggestion and the guys immediately say- CHAUVINISM!

and I got up and did a monologue of my last post. All of the guys, I'm happy to say, were shocked too and one guy even said 'you go girl!' hahahah

The skits were hilarious.
One of which was 'forming and all girls club' - lines 'do we have to wear bras?' 'we will on the days we have dates' 'oh great bc I'm broke' ' broke?' , 'um, hello thats why I'm always on a date! duh!'

Next skit- two girls playing two guys
'Man I hate paying for stuff..' 'lets dress up as chicks' 'cool as long as I get sequins'
and the scenes went on....

Graduation improv show is this Saturday at noon!

Cunni-dickhead

I recently stopped dating someone because he completely dumbfounded me at how crude, rude and disgusting he can be as a defense mechanism. (he was the sweetest gentleman to start) Short of going into stories, we were around his friends and I didn't feel like being affectionate bc I was already turned off by something that happened another night. Not only did he completely disregard that I'm a lady, please help if I'm carrying a 50 lb bag walking around the streets of Manhattan all night,  something his friend noted as well (he only did it 'if it would make me move faster'), he apparently thought it would turn me on to tell me, in front of his friends, what his 'plans' were for me that night by using a popular peace sign to mouth gesture and completely embarrass the hell out of me.
He went home alone that night.
Who raises boys like this?

PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE

I know this is a known fact though people would really like to believe some people would or do. Even if the person wants to change, its a full time commitment. For example, I would LOVE to be a long distance runner all the time. Unfortunately, my work schedule doesn't allow it as often as I'd like and frankly, its easier to come home and relax on the couch than run 6 miles. In the end, if you want someone to be an awesome person and they don't want to be awesome all the time, then its over.

EEEE!!!

How is it possible it's taking me hours to design my own business card??
I designed business cards for people for 4 years!

frustration ensues....

Next to Inaugural Post part 1

I wanted to have my first post be a good solid summary of why I started a blog, but if anybody knows me, when something inspires me, I can't ignore it.
So-let the second be the first or the first be the second!

My purpose is to document my entire existence in not only pursuing my dream of being on stage but the daily toils and troubles that come with just being a Florida girl moving to New York in general. I was heavily into design and photography in Miami and my camera broke right before moving here. I purchased an iphone and it helped but beyond that I kept no diary and regret it.

Moving here alone is a 13 year dream in the making.
My first trip when I was 15 for a dance convention and I've always looked back since.

It's been a year and a half of firsts which would be impossible to document in one post but just so you get an idea....

first time I experienced snow (that I have memory of)
first time I got lost in 18 degree weather in Harlem at 4am (more on that later)
first time I went to a bar and was chatted up by a  porn director (no thanks buddy)
first male roommate (dirty dishes in the fridge- really?? gross)

you get the picture. I'll slowly dabble firsts into my blogs as they come to me.

Otherwise, I'm excited to take account of my life and share it with whoever decides to read and see whats going on lately. This has been an incredible experience for me
thus far and hopefully it'll keep getting better!

Have a great day!

xo

"just because someone doesn't love you like you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have"

I heard this from my yoga teacher reading a passage at the end of class.
Whether or not it's true, this statement changed my perspective on thoughts of my past relationship today.
Everyone has their idea of the perfect relationship and how they want to be loved. When it doesn't work that way you think they don't love you but they do. I'm sure of it.

Damn.
It is much easier to be angry.
hah.



xo